Just a mo - Supercharging my Prius

I hate Clarkson, I hate that little twerp Hammond, Mays' dislike of the other two makes him bearable and I have no interest in cars what-so-ever. So why on Earth do I enjoy the Gran Turismo games? Theoretically a real driving simulator would be absolute tripe to me and I'm certainly not going to have the patience for going through all the driving licence tests and why on Earth can I not just use that top notch Ferrari from the moment I turn on the game?

Thing is, I think that's just what makes it popular and why I've been coming back since the original. It's almost a career simulation with the aspect of a pretty good driving game thrown in (management mode if you want these days) and - to me - that's one of the better features of recent sports games to ply my trade as a footballer at Lincoln City and work my way to international goalscoring superstar hero. I'm not particularly car literate, I'm not going to play it and be able to analyse the slight differences that may get a little more out of it, but I can look at the numbers and work out how to get more out of those pixels to give it a boost. Until recently on the Football/Championship manager games you saw nothing but numbers and had to work out how to use them to your best. Stevenage Borough winning the champions League? Relatively straight forward with the right mind.

As a driving game, it's one I've never had a problem with, one of the complaints has often been the lack of visible damage but to be perfectly frank that does nothing to me. It could just be my style but when I'm playing I tend to drive in driver seat view as I find it easier to gauge turns and distances, so I'm not going to see it except for in a replay but rarely am I that excited by a race I need to sit there for another 10 minutes to see it all from a different angle.

In short, as a genre it's one I'm not particularly interested in and that's due to my lack of interest in the subject full-stop but as a game. I keep coming back, for some part I'd say it could be the obvious improvement curve, of course in races if I turn up in a Bugatti Veyron against some substandard family saloons I'll romp home but going from scraping bronze to gold passes on licence tests shows that your skills are improving. Other than that I think it's just a incredibly well polished, deep driving game that if you're only going to play one of them fills all holes. Though my hatred for Top Gear is enlarged by trying to manoeuvre camper vans around "Hammerhead" at high speed!

Oh yes and I get to drive a supercharged version of Bumblebee from Transformers, probably 'er indoors' favourite feature...

Art of Acting 2 - Time to start work

I've been far too quiet on here recently and this comes down to the fact I've been barely able to sit still and relax for a few weeks, and it'll get much, much worse now! Over the next month I'm going to be living at the towns Commemoration Hall first in my role as "Sound Viking" for the youth theatre and then on stage during pantomomomime which is now less than 30 days away from show time, celebrity guests (well rumoured Emily Ovendon from Pythia/Medieval Baebes fame) and Miss Pipe heading to the countries first privately owned hospital *grumble* for childish delight.


With that deadline in mind we're now at the stage where people are putting down scripts, getting more physical and in some cases drifting towards complacency. First up let's tackle the "scripts down moment". Some of us are just about trying certain parts, myself included, without the script but the thing is. This leads to confusion as the person whom would fill the role of "contiunuity supervisor" or "prompt" if you prefer hasn't arrived yet which means that there is the continuous stopping when people don't notice you haven't got your script which becomes a repeat later on when the CS/P arrives (two days before show inevitably) who doesn't know when you're stopping for a dramatic pause or forgotten lines. Or they're over eager with a prompt line. Imagine if you will Romeo & Juliet as I, Romeo stand over the "dead body" of Juliet confronted with your one true loves body you don't just ramble on so I stop take a deep breath lower my head and begin working into a state of tears and a voice is heard bellowing from the wings "DEATH THAT HATH SUCKED!"... There goes that mood then!


The problem is that if there is no prompt in early rehearsals they're not going to know these acting nuances when it comes to performance and as a result people find themselves bundling through lines and losing some of the acting side, alternatively pausing midsentence due to the unmistakeable shout. I've only once seen someone forget lines in a professional show (Christian Slater for the record, noticed having played the role of McMurphy myself) and the secret is that the prompts actually turn up for rehearsals, I know in the West End they're paid for it but if actors and directors are there why can't a prompt from the crew turn up too?


Anywho, it's also now getting to the "physical" stage, having slung scripts over the shoulder a production can start picking up on things that are hard to do with a book in your hand. Aside from hitting someone with a book this will include running fight sequences, slapstick routines and other assorted pieces in situ. This in itself isn't too bad, in fact it's when the show starts to really comes together as people start experimenting. Where it does become a problem though is that you find yourselves getting too eager (I have a shirt somewhere with a nice sword hole in the sleeve from a lucky dodge) AND pushing it further as to what "extras" we can put in. Sometimes this isn't too bad, in panto for example people will expect big, larger than life characters and tricks but you can still push it. From a simple sequence like the stronger, braver character panicing, screaming and collapsing unconcious in a heap in terror (possibly with dropped females, sorry Grace) you can lead to more absurd and self induldgent moments. Already we've spotted a few and need to reign ourselves in. Sadly, some actors don't take too kindly to being told "it's a bit too much", That spear carrier pointing with gestures that would make Hulk Hogan blush during the finale of Hamlet springs to mind.


Finally, some people start to drift in a complacent stage. You'd think with less than a month till opening night people may get tense and start focussing... Of course not! Those who felt "untouchable" back in auditions still get that feeling even now (possibly even after getting the crummier role than their superior acting skillz deserve) and for whatever reason still think that they have forever. These are the people who on last night are still reading the script at every opportunity to avoid forgetting lines, they probably should've learnt them earlier. Of course, there are certain roles which are stupidly wordy so can understand but does that character in only two scenes really demand that much? Acting types sit back, relax and then the week before the show realise where they are and start panicking. Shockingly so do directors, while a last second bollocking may seem like "waking them up" the problem stems at the stage when they say that "everything is going really well". If you keep complacency going it's harder to get that later boost. Feedback does need to go both ways, oh and don't get someone who nobody has ever seen before to do the bollocking, it's hard to put on a show when your cast have walked out at the last minute!


That said, this years panto does seem to be going quite well but with a month to go there's not as long as people thing to get it going slick. Now let's wait to see what happens when the tech rehearsal comes along...

Building Better Worlds

Sorry for making this sound like a Weyland Yutani brochure but having installed the new hard drive for the PS3 I've finally been able to spend some time enjoying bigger games and admiring the crafted worlds of games like Oblivion (below) and Dragon Age, and this has led me to some observations and to relift and old idea which has been lingering (and been reminded to me by the lovely Kate every time we see eachother!

When running around these worlds (best viewed while with female elf character and after removing armour in 3rd person... ;) ) we find that not only do they look amazing and give fantastic energy but whether they're fantasy worlds like the above or barren Nevada wastelands people are now able to create a universe that feels "alive". Games are finally now able to build a universe (cliché ridden or otherwise) which is able to absorb you in another world or time period just like classic literature used to be able to.

Thing is, for the most part some elements of literature seem to have lost this same thing. Despite being fictional worlds they have elements which bring the reality. Even something like Dracula took elements of the reality and slotted it subtly in to the fantasy world, fiction but plausible. The sequel supposedly written using Stokers own notes however constantly name drops people of the era going as far as to change the dateline of the original novel to make Van Helsing a suspect in the Ripper crimes (evidently the alusion is Dracula was Jack the Ripper). Still marginally better then the other vampire series written by Ms Meyer which unlike the books she rips off comes across as half arsed fantasy which doesn't come close to absorbing. At least the Rice novels have that plausibility, for all the absurdities about supernatural beings there's the chance they COULD be legit (spoilers - they're almost certainly not though...)

Thing is, it just feels like creativity can struggle at times, even the books and games I like feel it's all been done before (recommend the Merlin Codex, nice mix of Celtic/Greek/Finnish mythology) in the above examples of Oblivion and Dragon Age it's basically king dies, demon invasion to quell. Books just seem to have got scarce further with ideas and the number of shocking remakes of films seems to go hand in hand with this. Even the "best young writer aged 6-13" who won an award for "original and creative ideas" when asked where her inspiration came from replied "well I watched this film with Brad Pitt and thought that'd make a good book". David Camerons expression in the photo was priceless!

This leads me to my project, a while ago on the Nightwish forum (why do people STILL send me private messages despite leaving over a year ago?) I ran a community story, almost like a text adventure RPG. Essentially it was a genetic engineering Crichtonesque piece using Jurassic Park as a start point and then moving from there to show off the new creations he'd created. Sadly inspiration seemed to hit most of the other writers and I couldn't kill them all off and try and limp through to the end of the episode with just two or three others.

What if, however, it's started with the plan of small contributions and working together to build the universe? What if perhaps there was some form of platform where people were able to make fairly large, in depth pieces of writing with an easy way of sharing it? National Novel Writing Month kind of went horribly wrong for me but nothing to stop people from trying this on the side. Perhaps we'll take Kate's poetry book idea and get a nice purdy cover published (even if it's only amongst ourselves). Now what shall we find as a starting point? Counter cliché fantasy (why do dwarves all hide underground and poncy pointy ears (despite being hawt) ALWAYS live in harmony with nature?) perhaps? any ideas?

Birthday Blues

This is not going to purely be ranting about the lack of breakfast in bed on my birthday, though I am sure that people would concur not even receiving a cup of tea would be incredibly insensitive and just downright mean. These sort of losses deserve a full scale rant but I can cope with them. Nor am I going to complain by the realisation I find myself sitting down and conversing with people half my age on a regular basis through theatrical escapades. Come to think of it the most alarming thing about that is that these kids are trying to teach me far too many dance routines for this years pantomime.


It's about the loss of the "special milestone" that birthdays used to be during our formative years. For the last 5 years very little has really happened and it now becomes "just another day", yes you'll receive a few cards from family members to show that people remember birthdays (incidentally this is now the missus' department, no card, blame her) and you'll receive 45 wall posts saying variations of "Happy Birthday" on your Facebook page and on nice forum communities you may be fortunate enough to receive a happy birthday topic of your very own. It's always nice to receive that small dose of appreciation but for the most part it's just another day.


Compare this to those "milestone" birthdays from not that many years before. As a child you would be lucky enough to receive that special gift you wanted and while we may get one little thing from those closest to us those days are long, long gone. As we go further into our teens these presents become rarer but so to do parties, do people assume as you reach 15 you're no longer deserving? We may be fortunate to have a special occasion such as our 18th and 21st party and special nights out (16th for young'uns due to the septic influence) but for the most part things are drifting further away from us.


What I'm saying is, us oldies should reclaim our birthdays from the doldrums. Why on Earth when I'm at work on my birthday why should I be the one expected to provide cakes/tin of sweets (thankfully cheap due to post Samhain sales) for everyone else? In fact, in schools it's almost seen as expected for the child to have their birthday off with no repurcussions. Let's extend this to the work life. One free days leave for all workers. If you are not due to be in work on your birthday allow this day to used up in another days paid leave.


Then there's the parties. Are we frightened of allowing ourselves to have a big old get together and good time with our friends and family? Let's reclaim the birthday party, let's make it so it's not seen as wierd for us to crash our parents place and put a big old bouncy castle in the garden get our friends round and have a huge sugar rush (not advised for GemGem). If one desires to have a swimming party with the giant inflatable pirate ship then my deity we should be allowed this option without the old bat at reception saying "sorry this is for children under the age of 13". It's my birthday and I want be allowed to be spoilt and have a darn tooting day with my friends. Is it really too much to ask?


I know a spoilt birthday can't be every year for cost reasons and the like but let's be fair here. When do we get the chance to truly be spoilt once we embark on life in the big wide world? It's the anniversary of our birth and we don't get too many days to celebrate that (average 80/29000 days) and this is just not fair. Let's enjoy our birthdays and win those classic days back. Come on, let's be having you!

Splodge

Ah yes, "splodge" the unmistakeable sound of goblin making the mistake of getting too close to an ogre not quite as stupid as he looked at first glance. Yes Blood Bowl is supposed to be the most brutal of sports games and since getting the board game version in around 96/97 one of my favourite of all time. As far as sporting games go there's been nothing for me, subbuteo was fun in doses but ultimately it didn't matter in the long run. Being into strategy games there wasn't a system for long term play and you didn't develop any form of skills other than being a good flicker = victory (though I did grow an attachment to a player with a broken leg in a Villa shirt I called "Steve Froggatt" due to an injury I remembered him picking up). After this there was Totopoly which was a fun little horse racing game. Thing is as far as sporting games went, I'd rather load up Premier Manager than any board games.


So as I began to get into miniature wargaming I came across this one set in the Warhammer world. American football with the added brutality of orcs flattening goblins and assorted other fantasy creatures. Considerably cheaper than going out and spending in excess of £100 to have a reasonable sized "army" it became easier to collect and put together a team. As it now stands I've got all official teams (except Norse, the vikings would be prod buttock, did the minis have any resemblence of the actual team roster) now and took part in two Blood Bowls where the "New Skaven Ratriots" (ratmen) got a Desmond (2-2 w/l record) before "Da Reggae Boyz" (Orcs with some modeling putty dreadlocks in a Jamaican football kit) lost all four.


I did come across a Blood Bowl game for the PC around the time I got first into it. I played it briefly but in the end I was still happier getting the board game out so it ended up in the little second hand game shop in town (sadly, no longer with us) and was forgotten about. As the years progress though I continued to play the board version (the wench is currently undefeated, must stop playing matches with a severe disadvantage against her...) and though my competition days are gone (for now...) my collection still get good game time.


14 years later, after spotting a game called "Chaos League" and spotting the blatant rip-off that it was, I caught the news that the company behind it had received the rights to make the official game. I guess Games Workshop learnt from the past, they accepted a one-off payment for Blizzards game with similarities to the Warhammer universe, next thing you know Blizzard are a huge company and the name Warcraft is bigger than Warhammer, lost them millions. So last year it finally hit the shelves and at the end of the month it's updated to include every team from the board game (bar Chaos Dwarves but they don't exist anymore (not profitable enough))and seems a good time to write it up.


Sound - Like all sports games the commentary can be quite good, with the odd funny one liner but if you play any sport game for more than a couple of hours it does get a more than a little tiresome. Other sound effects are general sporty grunts (and snarls from various creatures) so not fantastic sound but it does create some form of atmosphere though in turn based game play if you're a square short of a touchdown the roar of the crowd goes on forever. Oh the anticipation of a touch down.


Graphics - the image above is from one of the opening sequences (each team has their own sequences which is a nice touch) so not quite in turn with gameplay. In game though it does have a decent look though by modern standards not perfect. It is quite good in that you can instantly recognise the positions of the players and how experienced they are and any mutations and the models do look similar to their miniature counterparts. Graphically it could probably be better but it works and is supposed to be about gameplay right?


Gameplay - It keeps the rules as of the "living rule book version 5" (updated to 6 in Legendary) so as far as the game goes, what works on the board game should work in the game. Sadly a couple of rules are bugged which makes things incredibly difficult to plan ahead, skills dedicated to fouling like Dirty Player or Sneaky Git don't quite work properly which means the goblin method of "counter-splodging" is made harder to implement. A cheaper version of the board game with a couple of rules that don't work right (judging from the 117 page topic on the "Claw mutation ruins games due to being overpowered" that's in the game already! Aims are simple, two halves of 8 turns to try and score more touchdowns than the other team.


Longevity - No two matches against the same team are ever the same anyway and you can always lose that match you should win due to bad dice rolling, you need the skill to make yourself less reliant on dice but every now and then you can't avoid seeing your players laid low as little buggers nip in to beat you 1-0. Add to this the campaign mode which allows you to create your own team from beginning to top and developing skills to (hopefully) make the top and win the Blood Bowl championship itself. With 9 teams (human, orcs, dwarves, lizardmen, skaven (Ratmen), goblins, Chaos (daemonic beasts) and wood or dark elves) you have 9 teams if running to a formula lineup but by tailoring your teams can have much more, not to mention that as skill rolls are random you're never certain to have exactly the same team. Adding in the other 11 teams from the end of October and you should have plenty of replayability.


Overall, I'm probably going to get a lot more out of it than the normal player due to enjoying the board game for so long. If you want a sports game with a bit more depth than FIFA or Madden but don't want the full depth of a purely management title it'll probably go down well with you. It was on the 360, but lost some of the online play meaning online tournaments and the like weren't available and legendary edition isn't going to be released on there for the time being. If you have a PC though give it a go, although for me it's near perfect probably worth a 7/10 for an outsider. Of course, now you've at least got the advantage of demos!

Shambolic Sport

Thought I'd give this a Horrible Historyesque name today and write up. Reason for not writing for a while being that aside from being busy (4 interviews in a week!) when I've had the computer access I've been watching the commonwealth games and trying to figure out why Liverpool fans are so excited about a potential change in ownership which won't actually benefit them too much.

Thing that has me confused about Liverpool is, for starters, how the deal can go through if the owners don't want it to happen. A normal person can go bankrupt, default on their mortgage and have their house taken off them, however an estate agent can't decide to sell their house behind their backs. Not sure why sports different. Then of course you get the fans who're excited and whooping with joy, when it's their own fault. Where we these people when they were second in the table a year ago? Oh they didn't care because they had Stevie G and 'Nando Torres and were sucessful. Can't have it both ways lads (unless finances can be bi...), do you want to spend the money on glory? Or are you prepared to plod around and hope you can get lucky like Spurs or Villa who despite winning multiple European titles (including THE title for Villa) had to settle with years of midtableness just to come close due to frugal management. Even Arsenals' profits don't pay off all debts they gambled on with the new stadium and Wenger is abused due to it.


From here we move back to Delhi where the games' are rife with poor attendences and sickness. Golly gee! I again am shocked. Like the football world cup they've headed out to a country with next to no sporting heritage (a total of 20 medals in 110 years at the olympics), however, unlike the football world cup nobody cares enough to invest the money required to travel out for the Commonwealth games, so you're largely reliant on the locals embracing them. As for the sickness, is it a surprise? Delhi Belly has been a problem with the city for years so anywhere when you have hundreds of people in one place for a fortnight is always likely to affect some of them.


In search for entertainment I've found myself watching some sports which normally aren't on my radar and two of which have really annoyed me. First of which is netball. I watch this game and I honestly can't work out how the game has picked up for so long. While basketball is not my cup of tea I can see the appeal, however the most positive aspect of it is removed when converting to netball in that you lose most of the speed. I just can't see the appeal of watching people move the ball forward, then standing still for what feels like forever and throwing a ball into a hoop, mostly unopposed. Can't believe I could dislike a sport with leggy women running around in skimpy skirts. The other major annoyance is archery. Actually saw someone in a medal final who didn't even need to pull back on the bowstring and just had to hold a widget that did it for her. So not only do they make it easier to aim but you don't even need to pull on the bowstring? Henry V must be spinning in his grave. I'm not going to comment on the poor quality of female goalkeepers in hockey, it's people like that which make female sportspeople look bad, been some great attacking play though around the blunders!


Next up, more sport. Only this one involves harder tackles and more ogres, elves and orcs (OH MY!)

Distant losses

A short and sombre piece today due to time restraints. I've been inspired to write this one today by my wee brother and how he was hit yesterday morning by sad news. He woke up and logged on to his laptop to see the news that his friend Ethan had passed away after taking his own life.


Little Lanky has, as you could guess been pretty damn inconsolable since. One of the things about their friendship is that they've never actually met in person. What they have done though is spent the last 6 years talking on a daily occurance about all manner of things, helping eachother through GCSE's and always being there for eachother whenever one needed the other. In the modern era it's become much easier to meet people of a similar mind and forge those tight friendships. Friendships which often last much longer and seem more sturdy than those forged face-to-face at school.


A few months ago I too had lost a friend, the awesomely named Scott McFly, while me and Scott hadn't had as much conversations nor stayed as close as Daniel and Ethan had been when he passed away (due to my own lack of logging into MSN just for a quick catchup, something I've still not learnt from) it still hits hard. Often, just as hard as when a "real life" friend goes, others it'll hit far worse as you become close companions to all manner of wierd and wonderful people.


I've not really got much more to say, the subject matter in itself says more than any literary ramblings possibly could. Always remember and try to go that little extra for friends no matter where they be from, we can never be sure of anything in this world and sometimes, that loss of the friend from San Antonio, Chile, Ooop North or even just down the road but hard to get to can build just as big a hole as the loss of a family member. RIP good friends, near or far.

I bin dun workin' dem railways

I've got bugger all to really talk about so with the release of Civ 5 I'm going to comment on the divorce earner and time loser that strategy gaming genius Sid Meier is. Even if the only thing he ever went near were the aforementioned Civilization series he'd have accounted for millions of pounds to the biggest selling entertainment industry (well except "adult entertainment") and probably an equal amount for divorce settlements.


The key factor of these games is depth and replayability and he makes sure there's plenty of this. In Civ for example you move from a small settlement to hopefully head of the UN and winning the race to settle on another planet (after nuking Mahatma Gandhi's vast empire due to his xenophobic and agressive diplomatic policies this one's a bit of a wasteland now...) and no two games are ever alike. Plus as it's a long running game it leads to the disease "onemoreturnitis" and that "quick play" soon becomes several hours as you notice the time appears to be long gone. If you were to add up the time played even if you have relatively short runs it's not uncommon for people to have played the series for at least a month of their lives.


The recent bane of my existence has been Railroads. Anyone who's ever played a PC game will be familiar with "X Tycoon" well he's the man behind the first "tycoon" game which was Railroad Tycoon, as you'd expect it's about running railways and the series has got SOMETHING which draws you back again and again. For some, maybe it's the basic sandbox mode and the ability to create a "dream" railway and since it'd cost a fortune to have the full Hornby set designed this way it's far cheaper but to me that's not as fun. A game needs a challenge and to me that just is not it, where're the rivals?


What keeps me coming back is trying to get a "perfect" profitable and efficient mini-empire. Playing on and making Hitchin the business capital of the United Kingdom with all sorts of industry based around this little Hertfordshire town (meanwhile Manchester and Liverpool are certified as "a village") and trying to get it running so well that the rivals are unable to prevent my aquisitions and even funnier, financing my own businesses. Thing is, although it's played out in real time and so doesn't have the onset of "onemoreturnitis" as a plan comes into your mind and you spot that new profitable route and that target it becomes that little bit harder to pull yourself away until the goal is achieved. Then of course you have that next target, and the next, and the next and then, just as you're about to achieve your prime goal.... You're bought out, due to your obsession with that bottleneck outside the metropolis of Lands End you forgot to make sure once you started making big profits that you bought all the shares and some sneaky bugger (Brunell I'm looking at you...) has bought you out and you're seeing out your days as a.... well, depends how well you played but in my case I see "travelling circus freak" an awful lot...


As the man behind games like Civilization and (colonial Americaesque sim) Colonization I owe a lot to my interest in history to this man. I still remember handing in my first piece of homework in secondary school a 10 page document on the relationship between Cortez and Montezuma and it is purely due to the time spent on his games on boring weekends. Now Civ 5 is out I'm going to have to bite on that there thumb of mine not to buy it. I'd initially told myself the laptop wouldn't cope with it but now research shows it probably would I am somewhat relieved how skint I am, otherwise I might finally have drove the wench away with my inescent rambling and warmongering. "Bite that Convention on for size Geneva muahahahahahahaha"

Second time lucky

Okay so I'd prepared a long and detailed series of posts, then the computer died so I'm livid and am now to go rather briefer hopefully will still raise discussion.

First, saw on Sky yesterday that scientists have finally noticed that when an older and calm dog suddenly bites a small child it's actually the childs fault. No shit Sherlock! Turns out that the dog doesn't like having a toddler grabbing it, diving on top of it, pulling on it's fur as it falls over and then to make it worse, children are unable to understand growls and bared teeth, they mistake them for purs and smiles. So they keep going until darling great grandson/daughter gets bit. Dog loses life everyone feels sorry for kiddo. Here's an idea. Keep an eye on your damn kids so YOU can notice this stuff yourself. If you can't keep an eye on your kids don't moan when they do something they shouldn't.


Second on sports, it seems that Delhi may be struggling to make next weekends deadline over the Commonwealth games. As with the above, no shit Sherlock. I understand that in sports you try to spread the major sporting events round but you need to look at the nationwide infrastructure to begin with. In 2003 London managed to foul up the World Athletics Championships and a year later Athens barely scraped it for the olympics. So who really thought that in a borderline third world nation, in a volatile diplomatic situation would pull it off easily? They've had 9 years to get things reasonable yet a week before the off they've barely built any accomodation (shocking, given 150,000 people at best don't have access to basic sanitation in Delhi), the road to the main stadium isn't built (oh look it's collapsed as well now) and parts of various other venues are unstable WITHOUT any one in them. What's that? The rivers just broke it's banks flooding the city? So much for terror threats, they'll implode without Osamas boys going round!


Thirdly onto manners and intimidation, something for more ranty perhaps. Why the blue Hell is a library such a horrible atmosphere here? Traditionally youths hang around on street corners, with cheap cider and look a bit menacing. In Lankyvilles Zimbabwean community they use the library. Yup, of all the places to feel uncomfortable I can't believe it's the library. For some reason, and Sigmar, Odin, Jehova, Apollo or Zeus knows why but young Zimbabwean lads choose the library to be the hunting ground. They stare at you as you walk in to try and intimidate you, when you sit next to one of them they're constantly watching your computer screen and staring at you, they talk loudly to themselves often with Ricky Gervais fake laughs, they mumble insults to you, they elbow you and are just deliberately anti-social. I wonder if library in Ndebele means something completely different to over here...


Finally I want to read into something more positive for the day. Recently I finished Empire of Silver by Conn Iggulden and came across a character from history unfairly forgotten. Sorghaghtani Beki (from now on Sorgie) was wife of Gengis Khans' son Tolui. After her husband sacrificed himself in a shamanist ritual to save his brother and supreme khan Ogedeis' life on campaign she inherited his lands and rules as sole queen (khatun) but also perhaps out of his guilt became a key advisor to Ogedei. After Ogedei died in 1241 his wife Torogene became regent for five years. It would appear according to many references in the official Mongol records Sorgie was really in charge and kept the regency safe through diplomatic and more nefarious means. During the five year regency she was probably the most powerful and influential person on the planet (aside from her 20 years as sole ruler of Iran, Mongolia and north China after her husbands death) and perhaps even makes her the most powerful woman in the history of the world. Sadly the Mongol Empire is no more which means to most of the world she is but a footnote in the lines of history. More respect for Sorgie please Amerupean historians.

What if?

This was actually a topic came up with weeks ago but while locked in my eternal pit of damnation it got put on the back burner. A while back during the traditional 3AM neither of us can sleep conversations me and wench started discussing various What If? scenarios. Of course some of them are over in two seconds (i.e. What if Hitler didn't invade Russia - WW2 over by the end of '41) but sometimes you can go on and look over matters with a bit more depth.


One that often comes up is "What if Henry VIII hadn't divorced Kat?" I always find it quite interesting, as a starting point would England have split from the catholic church? I think ultimately, we wouldn't have done. The only reason we ultimately split from them was that Annie B was a bit of hooker and Henry had become obsessed with having a son which given Kats' breeding always made me laugh. A lot of other countries that left the Papal faith behind had a trigger, I don't know if the English would've had this afterwards. Potentially with the civil war but I think it would've happened catholic/protestant this is assuming after Mary lines remain unbroken of course.


As for Mary. The woman has been demonised almost since the day she was born, ultimately for being the wrong gender. Thing which gets me is had her mother remained queen and Henry not started persecuting Papists she probably wouldn't have earned the moniker "Bloody Mary" as the bitterness would not have been bred into her. Accordingly of course with the strong breeding in her she may have had a much better reign and that may instead be referred to as Englands "golden age" as opposed to that of her half-sister, given that her death seems to have been linked with the stresses she imposed on herself to stop Dizzy Liz from taking charge.


Around these great historical turning points, and I've kept it brief before going on too much of a lecture (any comments to discuss anything in further of course), we moved onto the "insignificant" turning points, or rather our own lives. The conversation inevitably turned into "what if we'd not got together?" and ultimately I honestly couldn't really give a plausible scenario. Wench seemed to watch it better than I could (I got scarce further than less headaches) and saw ultimately in her mind that I would've been managing at the company I was working at when we first got together. Had I not been coming through yet another bout of depression I would've focussed on that and overcoming the demons in that way, instead I'd opted to drop the work stress and took the time to recover by spending more time in Poxford.


Relationship wize she went bolder still and predicted that I'd have got into a relationship with one of three girls she's seen me with using the assumption that I'd have still been involved in the same groups which I guess is pretty solid. I refute all three of these as I was always an expert in getting to the "you're a great friend but..." scenario and put a lot of the relationship with wench down to putting her off a relationship for so long to avoid my depression and as a result mood swings harming her had we got closer it'd inevitably have gone wrong well before it finally happened. Incidentally I'd have got a lot less stress from her so with a higher paying job and a partner who according to her I'd "make the perfect couple with" something tells me this what if went the wrong way! :P


In the end we just had a nice conversation spending time together and looking at those little things that make up our lives and how in little changes the way our directions and history is built up. Of course, nothing can change now but sitting there and taking alternative looks at certain events no matter how small or minor can be a great way to pass the time. Now to start checking the library for some "alternate history" novels to along side the Cornwell and Iggulden.

Art of Acting 1 - Auditions

As we head in to the Christmas period up and down the land various groups are now preparing to enter "pantomime season" where pretty much every actor up and down this land is preparing to engage "over the top enthusiasim mode" and shouting "Oh no you're not!" over and over again. For a long period I hold my hands up to snubbing panto (Me to play buttons? I'm a serious bloody Shakesperian ac-tour) but after my bid to direct and produce a Hallowe'en performance of "The strange case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde" fell flat I had a Christmas free and went for it. Personally I've never looked back and I'll do it again. The thing is, when auditioning you find no matter where it is and whom the production is directed by we have a similar procedure.


LIMPETS - Of course, the first thing that happens is that the prospective actors arrive and begin sizing eachother up as potential rivals. The obligatory overtly camp lad no doubt intends to be the butler/servant, a few middle age men are generally going to be fighting over the dame/villain of the piece and roughly 3,971 teenage girls are going to fight it out for the roles of "good fairy" and "pretty love interest". Occasionally one of them will find herself heartbroken in lead male since "well, she looks kind of masculine". Around this, every group has "the regulars", people who come back year and year again who're a little harder to judge ("Do I REALLY want to be the dame 4th year running?") these become the limpets, clinging to those they know.


You see, usually you see groups come in and they're all cuddly and happy and you know they're rooting for eachother. Limpets will inevitably have next to nothing to do with eachother during the run but for now, you're best friends for life. That snooty biatch over there is competition and a limpet will find a corner with fellow limpets and plan their downfall. Hopefully they will read opposite them and make them look REALLY bad but the limpets will often do all they can to make sure their little play thing doesn't get harmed by "outsiders". Shakespeare once wrote "Hell hath no fury like a limpet scorned", a limpet without a role WILL become full of rage and hellfire and begin smeer campaigns on facebook.


READINGS - Once we've gone through the meet and greets and introduced eachother (queue limpets highlighting their years of service) we find ourselves given the roles that the director sees us based on initial appearence and the "I would likes...." almost immediately someone will find him/herself deflated as they're given the complete and utter opposite type of roles to read on. They will find themselves looking like thunder for the rest of the afternoon. Inevitably though people only really get one chance, JUST ONCE CHANCE [/William Wallace] to show what we're capable of. This often ends up with the interesting image of seeing someone trying to show versatility and going through a nice little geographic tour of accents they can do (most end up sounding Indian...)


Sometimes, seeing the script is enough to put people off the role they invisioned themselves/write themselves off in the view of the director (memories of the Zimbabwean Romeo who could barely speak a word of English come flooding back), after this people are well and truly deflated or starting to get confident on their part/sabotaging of the "outsiders" chances.


STUPID MOVEMENTS - It doesn't matter what you're auditioning for, there WILL be a stupid movement session. So many directors like to sit there and watch the way you move. Sometimes this is understandable and in the guise of a quick choreography session where a group of people who're unsure dancers look uncomfortable (female limpets will scowl at the pretty young rivals who appear like professional dancers compared to their flat footed shenanigans) but at least one can understand why. I've never understood why this is required while auditioning for King Leer though.


WAITING GAME - Ultimately, that's it with an audition. Stupid movements will often also cover a little bit of "singing" but by now we've gauged those who're musically aware and whom looked out of their depth so it doesn't offer much except for the remaining 1,573 "pretties" in the event of a tie. Nope you get the waiting game instead. "Thanks for coming, we'll be in touch" this normally has a disclaimer along the lines of "just because you don't hear when your friends do it doesn't mean you're not in". This is a lie, it means you're not in but it gives everyone the butterflies waiting by the phone.


Normally at this stage we thespians begin analysing ourselves and rapidly fall out of love with the audition and aren't too hopeful overall. Some however will be bought to Earth with a bang (most of the limpets in the event of a larger audition) after being convinced they're deities gift to acting. Most will be disapointed and while some will protest and boycott the group, most actors should use this to spur them on. It's still a nice feeling to get that call and get YOUR role (trying to calmly say "yes I will accept X" as your jaw drops is nigh impossible!) but nobody walks into any role and if you're a good, versatile actor you'll still get a decent role. This week I had a bad audition and came out unhappy. I've not got the role I wanted but looking at the script and knowing me I can make it work, anyway, what's the point of playing the same old roles all the time? I personally, am now relishing the role of "Mr Bod" even if he was nowhere near my radar at the audition. Bring on rehearsals!

Unsupportive Support

A surprisingly short and borderline emo post today so apologies there. Ultimately it's been bought about by feeling pretty crummy most of the week and one of those things that I frustrate myself with, yet in some cases it becomes a persons best asset towards others. I'm sure I'm not the only person who does this to themselves, when looking at others I'm able to sit back calmly and talk from experience and a bit of psychological understanding and offer advice and support to others which makes one "popular". "Popular" as I can't think of a better word to describe the appreciation others have for the friend like that.


Problem is the emotional and mental kick in the teeth you give yourself when you realise how down you are and how rather than spending your time sitting at home worrying about others you should probably have pretty much ignored that at your own expense, especially if after doing the hard work of lifting the original person you being worrying for them afterwards and again distract yourself from your own woes.


Ultimately, I don't know what keeps making me feel down. I know life isn't perfect but there's not really anything disasterous to get in the way. In a case, what's really wound me up and annoyed me the most is that I try to do what's right for others and worrying for others knocks me down emotionally. Perhaps I should take a step back and frankly my dears, just not give a damn. We all know I'm not capable of that though so next time I get sympathetic just slap me one. Maybe some retail therapy of getting all the original Transformers DVD's, not the original movie though I'll cry like a baby.


Speaking of which, how dare they put a "Grimlock! Smash!" line in the computer game and everyones favourite robotic T-Rex doesn't appear? Hmmm, maybe that's why I'm feeling so down, nerd rage ;) Hopefully next time a more entertaining ramble so bare with me during my wet blanket phase x

First for News! (providing we're the only site...)

So aside from the complete stupidity and overkill over Sky Sports News going úber cool high def their news networks are just generally getting my goat these days. As if the "we're better than you" approach to adverts wasn't irritating enough and the sight of their smug bimbos, one of which looks like reconstructive surgery has taken place and not done a very good job of it for that matter, smiling inanely while failing to comprehend the meaning of the word "football" or indeed any other unusual subjects sports news may throw at them such as "results" or "fixtures" as well as the inability to pronounce a players name accurately (hell even heard Wayne Rooney pronounced wrong once!) it get infuriating.


The problem leads on to this though, is there a place for TV news anymore? With the rise of the internet they say that print media is dying. That newspapers and magazines now are losing subscribers and face decreasing circulation is a story commonly being read and satired on various comedy shows. Thing is, Sky News seems to be falling behind as well and even though they are a medium which is purely instant, anything can and will happen and "we will be there". How does that explain getting stories which broke some time prior?


The reason that brings me to this is that the main story today and huge globally impacting breaking news is relating to a small church in Gainesville, Florida who're planning a "Burn a Quran Day". Interesting story, except that I found out about it myself nearly a fortnight ago, and that was late to the party as the group "Right Wing Extreme" (a militant far right Christian organisation) had refused to do security as it was "going to far". Only reason that caught my attention was the irony but I found out about it through a computer gaming forum, I can only assume that anyone who cared about politics or religion to the extent to follow the news would've known about this even earlier than that. So I have to ask, if Sky are first to news why are they so late to report this? Given they're now repeating it over and over again it seems they've finally picked up on why islamic militant groups are able to get support.


I understand why groups may object to Islamic militants in the modern world, the events on 11/09/01 (refuse to call it 9/11, that's why the UK no longer exists but that's for another rant...) hit the world hard and the whole of this millenium so far has dealt with the reprocussions (I feel Bush winning the US election had more to do with it as the reason the event was allowed to happen). Problem is, it was a poor US foreign policy and some insanely xenophobic beliefs that cause the contempt for America that rises up in support against them. How do the US deal with this? Well, in the last month they've protested against followers of Islam following their faith, they've not only burnt down a seperate mosque being built but destroyed the building equipment being used in this "atrocity" and now they plan this.


We know this is not the viewpoint of all Americans just like we know those dancing on the streets of Afghanistan didn't represent all Islam that day nearly 10 years ago (Actually that footage was 20 years old, the hammer and sickle were big hints!) but for an extremist or person with strong right wing beliefs these are the proverbial red rag. London was hit a few years ago on the 7th July and we were shocked this could happen here. Problem was, these were "home grown" terrorists. We, by foreign policy and right wing xenophobia created an event that was the first time since the IRA ceasefire we were left reeling and in shock (unlike previously though we lost that British way of coping, see future rant).


Ultimately though while we highlight incidents like this (and ignore countless many others) we provide the ammo for recruiters. Already people are protesting in some countries and with the more media coverage the easier it'll be to recruit. If people want to eradicate fundamentalist warfare we need to stop giving these tiny groups a platform. Ultimately, one red neck church of 50 practitioners, which most Americans don't support nationally, doing this is nothing newsworthy. What it is though is a fantastic propoganda tool if Mr Bin Laden wants to show the footage of these plans and the unrepentant pastor.


So the fact Sky were late to this news story and are now hailing it as huge (but not huge enough at leasty a fortnight ago) only goes to show 24 hour news is unrequired in the modern world with the interwebs. Still, they'll repeat their belated little story and sing their own praises which does nothing except for give more people the chance to use and manipulate this. Let's await the next car bombing hitting our troops in Kabul and Sky talking about our brave "heroes" and remember, it's organisations like Sky who continue to spread misinformation long after an event hits the news and the way they fight the fundamentalists propoganda war for them. Is it any coincidence that the last decade has been nothing but terror attacks and propganda, most of them caused entirely by our own media, so determined are they to blow their own horns.

Fan Service

When I like something, I tend to become hooked on it. I will sit through hours of pap just because I liked something for example (Starship Troopers 2 & 3 and the Transformers (live action) films say hi). I will sit there and do a "run" of something, case in point my recent decision to sit through all Aliens and Predator films due to the release of Predators. Reading through all the Hornblower books in a row (last one now, perhaps to read through the entire Diskworld series in chronological order (bar Eric and Witches Abroad) now Sir Tel has released a new one) and the way I set a target to view/read everything I can get my hands on.


Thing is playing through LEGO Batman and Indiana Jones I realised just how much time and patience fans pulling together can create something that makes a fan smile with a really nice tribute. I'd already encountered TT games' work with LEGO Rock Band and there were elements of it in there. A personal memory is the "hotel" incident in which the bands drummer drives a car into a swimming pool alá Keith Moon, this is closely followed by the band trying to escape from a T-Rex in a jeep through a difficult jungle trail alá the scene from Jurassic Park following a roadie being eaten on the toilet.


It's these little things that show the dedication and that the makers clearly were fans of the source material. Playing Indy I found it funny they latched onto the scene during Raiders in which Star Wars characters are represented in Egyptian hieroglyphics and at various times Indy comes across them (trying to swap the idol following the boulder sequence for C3-POs head) a nice little nod and noting it too was created by George Lucas. Any character and moment that you remember from any films is represented and there's a smile a mile wide as I playthrough and spot all the moments and nods. Random gaming fan service award - Oblivion, which features a suicide note from a troll under the bridge because "Mee wurst troll evurr, nobuddy pay brijj tole, me nott sceary enuf, mee gett drunc an kil sellf, troll droun". Those Billy Goats Gruff have a lot to answer for!


Of course gaming isn't the only place where fans craft tributes it can happen in Hollywood where big money allow people to make huge tributes of their loves. Sometimes you've got to beware of the cash ins, a great case is the aforementioned Transformers (live action) movies where Bay has no real interest and it's just a job. As a result you get Devastator which is a great villain name. Sadly he turns up twice over the two films, once as a tank and once as the combined form of the Destructicons. For a casual observer (probably already turned it off anyway) it means nothing but for a fan it was yet another case of someone asked to make a movie based on a source material he doesn't care about.


On the other hand you can get something like Lord of the Rings in which you can see Peter Jackson was a fan of the book. There are somethings that a "true fan" would object to but the determination to get the project off the ground and some of the changes you can understand why they were done. After all a film maker needs to remember his not making a film for himself and more than fans may want to watch it. The patience was there though and little things still crept in. Another case X-men where those little things for the fans creep through. X2 having the moment when Mystique and Nightcrawler have a quiet friendly conversation, in the story she's his mother but as the films don't cover this it was a nice nod.


The ultimate fanservice though has to be the film "Raiders" which brings me full circle. In 1981 a group of schoolboys in the States saw Raiders of the Lost Ark and rather than writing pornographic fanfiction as is common now they took it upon themselves to remake the film shot for shot with there school friends. They hand made costumes, they burnt down their basements and worked with dedication and adoration for the source material and the end result was something which bar one sequence (fight under the props of an aircraft) was as close as can be made. For some kids to take on a project like that over a period of 7 years just shows the level of fan service people will go to.


Now who wants to help me remake the LOTR films shot for shot? Kate can get that Galadariel costume for a reason now!

Concerning Freindship (and corpses)

So yesterday we headed in to London for another day of Forumbatical shenaninanagans and as always in a basic and largely free day we managed to thoroughly enjoy ourselves with the purist pleasure of conversation for most of the day. As I touched on the other day it's a great example of the positives of internet forums in that people with only music in common as a starting point can become better aquainted. March last year we all met, though for my part Hannah and myself were farther back in the queue and so didn't have that long day at Brixton bonding with the rest of the group who would later become Forumbats. As a result, for me, the group really came into their own at the start of August last year when we decided to do a "Brixton Aftermath Meet", after all the Brixton topic on the forums had grown to twice the size of itself and had been about the only topic to get any use in the meetings forum anyway.

So in that August meet we really got to know eachother as more than the screen names. One of the highlights of that one being a very unsure Holly being incredibly obedient when I forebade her from leaving. Sadly she's since got to know me better and now is almost as disobedient as Jackington but from a "don't really know much about her" she's become someone whos company and opinions I thoroughly enjoy listening to, she's also incredibly posh so when the revolution comes I've got someone on the inside working for me.

On All Hallows Eve we were reunited for the third time of 2009. This time due to the increased potential for shite weather we settled on an indoor course of action for the day with a Jack The Ripper walk to finish, of course, in costume for the occasion. Started the day waiting outside the Natural History Museum posing for photos while dressed as Death and waiting for our latest addition, GemGem. Again we had a great time over the course of the day, and though couldn't remain for the walk due to impropper footwear from SOMEONE it was fantastic. Highlight, GemGems mock wedding speaches during a ceremony held by Cap'n Yappo. YAAAR!

Next meet up was on Soul Cake Duck Day (or Easter to "normal" people) which became a pain due to peoples trains being late (GEMMA!), coming in to Hyde Park from the wrong entrance (flange...) or throwing a sicky (Kate) but we managed to meet up and although I can't recall a definite highlight of the day for me we again had a time good enough to come back soon. Which was the 4th September.

Yesterday could've been the last convenient meeting for us now as "the Forumbat kids" now fly the nest and head off to uni. It won't hamper things too much, after all Owen does travel down from Cockermouth but on those rare breaks home from studying I'm sure they can think of better things to do than hear my abuse. Still we will make it happen and another fun day worth remembering.

Some things from this one, the woman randomly turning up and doing "Li-Chee" in the middle of Hyde Park, Holly did at one stage see her take her top off, sadly I missed this so can not judge if it was worthy of a highlight due to the toff being too speechless to point it out on time. Spending a few minutes in the V&A museum, I've never been there so will have to have a decent look sometime, Kate checking the manhood of every statue we passed (watch her deny it) as we headed to the fashion section. Guess whom it was to head over to the underwear section first! Taking Gemma to the science museum to push some buttons in the kiddies section, Hollys suggestion of "Act simple Gemma" almost not needed as she was like a kid in a sweetshop with all the random gadgets.

Sadly, all good things have to come to an end and so following Holly having to head home early it was time for Gemma and Owen to head back to the horrible north (after getting "Stupid Deaths" stuck in my head) from Euston so after a portion of cheesy chips came the more sombre moment. Kate, Hannah and I visited Cross Bones cemetary, Southwark near London Bridge. An old site where prostitutes and those poor who could not afford a "real" burial were buried hastily in unconcecrated ground. Seeing the small ribbons left in memory of those fallen left there from three year old boys given the title "workhouse labourer" and 9 year old prostitutes to the list of prostitutes who were nothing more than a statistic murdered over the last few years in Nottingham.

A sombre and sorrowful finish to the day which is always appropriate considering the come down we have following any happy times such as music festivals or a good run on the stage. At the end of all things we have to say goodbye and as some old guy once wrote "parting is such sweet sorrow". Should we fail to make it to the barren north for GemGems 18th I for one can't wait until the chance to meet up in April as I know we are certain to have a great time with some great people, who bar for a convenient concert we never would have become so closely aquainted.


Before I get too serious, I leave you with a link to a couple who've been caught by police in Washington state US for stopping to make a sex tape during a break in. http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100824/ap_on_fe_st/us_odd_sex_video_suspects;_ylt=Ah.mAO.lt47hOMEj0SZsePXtiBIF;_ylu=X3oDMTJ1c2ZtNXQ5BGFzc2V0A2FwLzIwMTAwODI0L3VzX29kZF9zZXhfdmlkZW9fc3VzcGVjdHMEcG9zAzIEc2VjA3luX2FydGljbGVfc3VtbWFyeV9saXN0BHNsawNmdWxsbmJzcHN0b3I-- luckily they survived I guess. Otherwise I'd be singing THAT song again!

Who are You? Who who, who who?

Strictly speaking that's a grammatical error but given the background I'm not surprised "The Who(m)" got that wrong. Useless detour many MOONS ago my friend Liz's mum was engaged to their drummer, can never remember his name though, the engagement was called off because "he'll never amount to anything". Well done Mummy Liz, a few months and a broken instrument or two and we have one of the most iconic bands of all time.


I digress from my point though, no nautical terms thankfully, as my topic today is the most watched program on the planet CSI - Crime Scene Investigation. William Peterson who plays Gil Grissom put it best when he said that this wasn't a bog standard "Whodunnit but a HOWdunnit" and I think that's one of the reasons it's so popular. Sometimes the penny drops too late and they don't get their man/woman or they realise they make a mistake. Also Catherine Willows (Marg Somegermannamer) is such a judgemental trollope she'll dedicate most of an episode harassing someone innocent then refuse to swallow her pride and say "sorry" after breaking up a relationship/shutting down a business/wasting an innocent mans time (always male suspects).


Recently me and Hannah finished sitting through the whole of the first series, most episodes of which we've not seen for a very long time if at all. During which I decided to play the "Catherine game" and judge someone's motives from their first line. Initially I'd been playing the "Metropolitan Police" method of "Black-Dude did it" and though it would've served me right in 3/23 episodes, in most cases the only "suspect" was Warrick Brown (I'm sure this is a writers error, in his script he wrote Enter Warrick, Brown, they assume its his name for PC reasons) and I can't believe he'd do anything wrong, ever, right? Playing more seriously I had a better success rate and would spot the key evidence as well but it's just not as fun.


The board game version as a result of the formula actually made it one of the best board games I've played for ages. In order to win you not only had to get the right suspect but the three key pieces of evidence that is 110% concrete in court, fail however, and you're "off the case". As a family we never managed to win. We've always had the right suspect but not the right evidence to get the arrest and conviction. So many criminals walking the streets of cardboard Vegas because of my inability to wait for evidence, though at least I've not yet done a Catherine and let my prejudism jade my judgement. Well there was the one time with my first role of the dice I went to Grissoms office and said "Black-Dude did it"... Don't know where that game is now, could be epicness next Forumbat sleepover!


So that's it for the day, finished the series one DVD box set and now to find a next film series to captivate me. Maybe Hannibal Lector (including Manhunter starring Grissom) will do, unless for the wenches birthday someone happens to have the series 2 CSI:Vegas box set available... Nah, didn't think so!

We Want You Back!

Today I received an email of such presumptious crap that it actually left me flabbergasted and fuming with a tempestuous but impotent rage (damn, read too much Hornblower...). Last year I was banned from a certain forum because of a mix of things, first one was saying a few rules didn't make sense (later said rules were removed but no apology, in fact threats of banning someone irrelevant to the suspension were issued from the charming admin) and second was a clique who were frightened that I'd finally refer the forums resident self confessed sex offender by name following verbal abuse, of course, the official response was "talking about the forum" but we're not idiots.

Imagine then my surprise when in my inbox pops an email asking me to come back "providing I behave myself"... What sort of rubbish is this? It's a decision as stupid as a Spanish infantry commander (DAMN YOU HORNBLOWER!) to even act as if they're doing me a favour isn't it? A year ago I might've considered it but I have no intention of crawling back to them tail between my legs and grovelling for them to let me back in. I've got some pride and begging some arrogant, obnoxious, egotistical Frenchmen (DAMN HORN... No actually that's right) to "let me in" and crawling as if I've actually done something wrong does not fit in with this.

Had the place changed in the slightest, I'd almost come close to considering it, but it's not. It's still ultimately run by the same few people and every topic involves the same few people, who get upset if someone ignores them. A great example from last year Poster A "An old friend died" Poster B "Oh, God I'm sorry" Poster C "Sorry to Hear that, knew him myself he was cool" Poster D "Sorry for your loss guys" Poster E "MY FINERNAIL BROKE!" Poster F "Sorry about your friend A and C" Poster G "He was awesome, great guy RIP" Poster H "Yeah, I liked him, so sad RIP" Poster E "MY F*£*^*£* FINGERNAIL F*$*^*£*^* HURTS!". Yeah just the atmosphere I've missed.

I did receive an email from a current member and friend letting me know that I could come back so I can assume that members there have discussed me favourably and want me back. The thing is, I talk to the few members I'd want to in the outside world anyway, those who live abroad I email and those at home I meet up with two or three times a year. Forum friendships are nice and if they work in the real world they can be great. I know for a start I'd not have Hannah and neither of us would have friends like Kate or GemGem had it not been for them but I'm not going to grovel like some whipped midshipman under a tyrant captain (DAMN HORNBLOWER!) to talk to these people in another format, especially when they're the only reason I was there anyway!

Nope, it's nice to see that some people miss me in that old time waster but if they think I'm bending over and crawling back they're sorely mistaken. Did Wellington say to Boney "you're a dem good soldier, let's call Waterloo a draw and refight next month"? Did Nelson say to Villeneuve "go and make a few more ships and we'll give you another chance in a years time"? No of course they didn't so why would I do ultimately the same? Nope, I'm going to carry on doing what I do now and enjoying my free time which for the most part involves much less face palming.

Now to brace the mainsail and head to leaward before making anchor at Spithead where I'll be seasick... OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!

Director of Ironic Punishments

At this stage I'm assuming any reader will be aware of the story of Mary Bale, who in Coventry randomly stopped to pick up a cat and dump it into a wheelie bin - where the cat "Lola" remained for the next 15 hours. Now at this stage I'm not going to pass judgement of the dotty old mare who thought "it would be funny" to do this. While it was a strange thing to do and I would raise issues about one's sanity to randomly do something like this I do think there's been an over reaction to this. It's not like she allowed her pittbul to roam the streets and maul a cat to death in front of her owner as happened in Preston at the same time (link at bottom of post) here, it's random and not right but come off it we're not talking the worst case ever here.

This is why I am making it my duty to recommend to our Prime Minister (lucky timing with the kid there mate as an excuse for missing a big economic meeting) to make the post of Director of Ironic Punishments. Now, some people do things which are strictly speaking not illegal and some offences do not fit the punishment. In my first act for example, I have decided that Mary Bale should be picked up by somebody dressed as Tony the Tiger and thrown into a skip and enclosed for 15 hours. On release she'll understand how foolish she was and will think twice before stupidity for the lolz.


It's not like this is a completely new idea, technically this happens with the American legal system. At the moment, someone who is convicted of rape often finds themselves being explored intimately by someone who's able to physically dominate them and punish them in the same way this happened before. It doesn't work in the UK as well as these people are generally all weedy, we don't seem to have the same type of tough career criminal over here. Though I'm sure locking 50 rapists into one cell on a 15 year sentence will soon change the current situation there.


Of course, I've not been able to think through everything here as regards to everything but there are offences it could easily be used. For example, minor sexual assault, dude pinches wench in the buttocks. The punishment for this would be being placed short term on the sex offenders list, what's to stop one from doing it again? Simple, get a lobster to pinch him on the testes. I suspect he will think twice before pinching sensitive areas on others.


Local chav decides to sell on stolen goods to local second hand dealer like Cash Convertors. Simply just go in and sell their belongings for the fraction of their value. So as not to be too harsh we'll give them the £45 they gave us for all their worldly belongings to rebuild their lives. Alternatively let the victim take items from the thief up to double the value of the original goods. Also to be flogged for attempting to flog the orignal goods.


I'm not saying ironic punishment is the be all and end all. Forcing someone sharing pornographic images of children to make them himself would hardly be a punishment and kind of counter productive. I do feel however that overall it'd make courtrooms all the more interesting and entertaining for judges and lawyers, "milud, I put it to you that the defendents multi-million pound jewellery heist calls upon an ironic punishment, perhaps removing an arm and grinding the bones into semi-precious stones would be a fitting gesture".


In case no one could guess I'm in one of THOSE moods today, oh well could be worse. It could be raining outside and.... Oh :(


http://www.lep.co.uk/news/i_can_t_sleep_after_watching_unleashed_dog_maul_my_cat_1_1218362

Finish Him! Fatality!

On this day, the 24 August 1992, the arcade cabinet above for Mortal Kombat was released. Not too long after it received release on the home systems and like all things violent and computer gamey it was amid controversy. Basically it's a standard 2D fighter, two players punch and kick eachother until one of their characters is too injured to fight on, note the injury is purely the little bar at the top of the screen going red no matter how much you drag them across the room with a hook aside from the red pixels representing blood flying out with impact.

This is repeated until one player has won two rounds, I assume aside from the blood and gore this was the real sticking point for parents groups, was the special "Finish Him" moment in which you had one last move to finish them with. With a special combination of button presses and joystick waggling you had the option to rip someones head off including spinal column, rip out and show them their still beating heart and a host of other nasties. Of course, it was up to you to find this out and it wasn't in the manuals, this meant MOST fights ended purely with a last punch in the face, of course it wasn't going to stop the various parental groups campaigning. The trouble I got for getting "that horrible game" off a mate when I was 10, until my dad got home and tried it out with me finding nothing that bad! It's not the only time games have got much hype and complaining though...

Not particularly well known in the UK but a well known example of this case would be an old Atari 2600 title called "Custers Revenge". Assuming people know the story of "Custers Last Stand" where tribesmen surrounded and slaughtered American troops under our titular incompetent soldier you could be forgiven for assuming this would be a little game about shooting injuns... You'd be wrong, no the way Mr Custer gets his revenge is obvious. Tie an injun woman to a tree and then you must dodge a hail of arrows on the way over to rape her repeatedly. Developers Mystique clearly knew the buttons to press with the media and parental groups in 1982, previewing it with a womens rights and native american groups! Though the content saw it ultimately banned it has received a modern remake on the interwebs. Mystique specialised then in Adult games for the Atari and titles like Beat 'em and Eat 'em (players represent two nude women catching blobs of liquid dropping from a substantial male member) followed.

Of course, they're by no means isolated cases in this sort thing and recently there was a great deal of fuss made about a "Japanese Rape Simulator", which ultimately is actually a story about the girl getting revenge after being sexually assaulted in public. Of course, once again the developer knew exactly what they were doing with this project by making it so the game changed perspective, playing out the initial assault before switching roles. Ultimately though there's nothing special here but in both this and the Custers Revenge were both blamed for a spate of sexual assaults on women. Usually though, it's the violent games that get the real blame in these cases.

On the 27th February 2004 Stefan Pakeerah was murdered by his "friend" Warren Leblanc and the reason for this was painfully obvious... It could only be a game by controversial developer Rockstar (GTA series) entitled Manhunt which had been released in November 2003. The reliable source for this was the victims mother claiming that Warren had become adicted to the game and the outcry that the game could lead to this led to it being withdrawn from shelves in most high street retailers.

Manhunt was then banned in New Zealand (where posession is still deemed an offence), Australia, Germany and in Ontario, Canada became Adult Only, effectively banning it from most stores. Surprisingly the rest of North America pretty much ignored the hype and attention satisfied by leaving it's classification as 18 as per any other excessively violent game or movie. The thing that hurts me the most about Manhunt is that I had it, finished it and then resold it at the start of February, had I waited I could've made a small fortune in the illegal black market for games. Damn my stupidity!

The thing is, from Custer beyond Mortal Kombat, Manhunt and as recent as Red Dead Redemption (western game where there's a trophy/achievement for the old tie a damsel to the traintracks cliché) games for whatever reason seem to garner a worse reception than any other medium. While I don't see the enjoyment to be had out of sex games (and there's a reasonable amount amazingly) I can't believe that because someone sits at his Atari wriggling his joystick back and forth he's going to go out and gang rape a native american woman same as playing Manhunt didn't make me go out, hide in alleys and batter people to death with a baseball bat. Grand Theft Auto San Andreas had the perfect mix though, I could have consensual sex with a prostitute then beat her to death with a dildo. Pure perfection there!

Thing is, Mortal Kombat was just a standard Kung Fu film, Custers Revenge was numerous substandard porno films, Manhunt was torture porn (VERY similar to the SAW series which are flagrant rip offs), the GTA series is a cartoonisation of "gangster" culture. Ultimately they mean nothing except that - as former WCW and WWE creative boss Eric Bischoff said - "Controversy = Cash". People deliberately do these things and they know they'll get a rise out of it. Games are no more to blame for "loose morals" than films or books but people will never seem to accept that.

Damon Brown wrote a book entitled "Porn and Pong - How GTA, Tomb Raider and other sexy games changed out culture" which looks like it covers this in more detail and could be worth a read. I'm not searching for it on Play from the library though, how long will I last when purchasing anything with the "P" word in it's title?!

You. Better cash iiiinnn!

Apologies to Janes Adiction for borrowing from "mountain Song" but it sums up my view after watching a couple of adverts this morning I think it fits in great. Initially I was going to complain at the stupidity of having to rename the Avatar movie to it's subtitle just because there was another Avatar film released last year. Then I realised why this really was, The Last Airbender (AKA Avatar - The Movie) was actually going to be going head to head in cinemas with "the ultra special úber mighty rerelease of Avatar. What kind of donkey testes is this?

Avatar is a popular animé series (i.e badly drawn "stylistic" animation and a bunch of hard arse kids with mystical powers/pets) which is reliant entirely on it's name recognition to get anywhere in the market. We're now in the period where JCAvatar would normally be released on DVD but they've hit a double whammy at their smaller niche audience. Not only are they forbidding them from advertising the film properly but they're re-releasing into the cinemas with approximatly 10 minutes "extra cool" additional footage.

The contempt, not only for other film makers but the paying audience astounds me. I'm not naieve, every business is about making profit and obviously films are no different, but to me the idea of manipulating an audience after overcharging to begin with before getting people to go out and over pay again is just farcical. I'd like to think people will have the balls to sit back and raise a finger at James Cameron and tell him exactly where to go (not a good film since Aliens so I knew where my money was going here!) but this isn't going to happen, droves of people who saw this "incredible special effects" will clamour for more.

What is it that makes people do this? To go and see a film like JCAvatar at Cineworld would cost us £10.40 as standard, no doubt it'll be deluxe screened and get a little high demand premium thrown in. It's cheaper to go out and buy a flipping DVD, yet people won't go out and do this will they? Yes films can look better on a big screen, the thing is, normal households have access to better HD televisions than the cinema screens and won't have irritating brats getting in the way of the screen or making a noise and the over priced drinks/snacks. A day out to the cinema for me and the wench to see either Avatar would cost me a minimum of £20, if either of us wanted a drink of coke or popcorn that can easily rise to £25 which is just ridiculous costs when a DVD would cost us just over a tenner at release. Patience is a virtue and we're not going to be waiting for the years it seemed to be for films like Jurassic Park to get a release, though if people are stupid enough to buy into this fiasco maybe in Avatars case we will do.

You talk to members of staff at the cinema and they will tell you that the biggest obstacle to the industry is piracy. It's an old cliché and we'll hear it time and time again from various executives. Problem isn't that, the problem is (aside from a lack of support for the arts in the UK) that filmmakers overcharge people for a couple of hours unimaginative cliché ridden entertainment to the extent that people don't want to pay that sort of money. There have been some films I've enjoyed in recent years, I'm not that arrogant that all classics were the greatest, but I'll always wait for the DVD release to enjoy them the cost has drove me away from the cinema.

JCAvatar is one of the highest grossing films of all time, problem is, at those costs it's been rendered a nothing statistic same as various transfer records in football. At £9 million I hardly think that makes Kenwyne Jones over 10 times the player Gary Lineker was, it's just modern inflation and pointless expenditure in post 2000 economics. Please tell me I'm not the only person who finds James Camerons' blatant arrogance and contempt for the public to be unacceptable, or am I the last of a dying breed?

Incidentally, from what I've seen AAvatar looks shite as well.

Freak? Depends where really dunnit?

Something I'd planned on semi-covering and got the inspiration courtesy of Kate's entry last night to finally do. Being 6'7" having long hair and wearing metal t-shirts it's no surprise that a random stranger will decide to randomly hurl abuse across the road/as they drive/walk past me or just make the snide comments to their mates and have a good laugh at "the freak".

The problem is, what makes me a freak, would in other circles see you as a freak. Case in point taken from last week as a case study. I, with Hannah were at a cashpoint checking the bank balance for shopping when a young lad I could best describe as having the physique of an obese walrus, three piercings in his eyebrow, wearing a baseball cap balanced precariously on his head (sideways) and trousers which were unable to fit round his waist yet still too short to get much lower than his knees squeeked (can't really call it a shout) "Freak" whilst making a gun gesture almost flying his gold chain off his arm.

I know I've never really been "hip" (damn Gamezville, I was well gangsta for dat roll!) but what strikes me as freakish in this incident certainly isn't someone standing patiently by a cash point while "the Virgin Mary" checks her bank balance. Yet I get the feeling only one of us has local residents of all ages hurling regular abuse at them and even on occasions taking photos to text to their mates about "dis freak wot I seen!".

The thing is, I'm actually quite comfortable how I am physically (mental is another kettle of turnips) and I'm not going to change that just because someone who doesn't even know me feels that renders me inferior to them, though I do understand how certain occupational clientel would get arsey for the same reason, after all why should I? The thing that makes me laugh about this kind of incident is that it's only really deemed "freaky" because the local people rarely leave their homes, they rarely actually go anywhere and so are used to not seeing anyone/thing even slightly different. Hell it's not even a case of people from school calling me a "freak" because I read gothic literature, wear black or, Satan forbid, go to the library at breaktimes, it's pure random.

The thing is, on those occasions when I go out gigging, it's people like this who would be seen as the outcasts and the freaks. A point highlighted by a story in which Kate with blonde hair and looking "normal" was seen as a freak at a metal gig, I'd shudder to think what they'd make of "The Iron Walrus" if he turned up! Though this won't matter of course, people like what they know, I can go to a Stevenage football match and see fellow supporters who evidently share a lot of common interest with me making snide comments, pointing and laughing and of course hurling the obligatory snarky comment.

With attitudes like this is it any reason for surprise that "Goths", "Emos", "Skaters" and any other form of schoolboyish outsiders are seen as such? People are too quick to make the snap judgement based on appearence and for whatever reason just be anti social and feel seemingly superior. Ultimately, I don't give a monkeys about others. If I'm in GAME looking at a PS3 game that you too have picked up it shows we have similar taste, if I'm standing in the North Stand at Broadhall Way, it shows we have similar taste. If I'm standing in a tiny venue to see Cannibal Corpes, it shows I should be commited and possibly subject to a lobotomy.

Ultimately, at the expense of sounding like a hippy freak, we're all the same. We each have our own interests and hobbies and no, we won't always share all of the same ones. Why should appearence be the basis for a snap judgement? For all I know "The Iron Walrus" went home to watch Robot Wars on Dave while quietly painting some model soldiers, were I similar in appearence to him he'd never have said a word and with those shared interests theoretically we'd be friends. With attitudes like that though common sense is never going to prevail, after all, isn't it just much easier to abuse someone randomly then actually bothering to speak to them civily?

To obscure; What the heck is that?

In one of my regular forum crawls I came across an article relating to little known rock band "PRESS PLAY ON TAPE". Heard of them? I suspect you haven't, but for the uninitiatited they cover music from computer games of the 80's and are the ultimate in Geek Rock just for the reference in their name (yeah STFU Weezer!). The funny thing is they've gained a little more net recognition purely because a Wikipedia admin decided they "were too obscure and thus should not be covered" thus boosting their attention. In fact the forums mentioning this and my blog space surely now can be cited as people talking about them and thus are no longer obscure and should thus be mentioned on wikipedia, right?

What gets me is that we've got a website here which, although user based, attempts to fill the niché and ultimately be seen as a template to remove big cumbersome 48 volume editions of the Encyclopedia Brittanica, so surely the obscure has a place on there? Further reading on the case suggested it was two volunteer admins fighting over something which had nothing to do with the actual case but still carried on, oh look moderators being unable to do their job, I guess every website on the planet has these *REST OF SENTENCE REMOVED BY BLOGGER.COM ADMINISTRATORS - PS YOUR MOTHER LOOKS LIKE AN ORANGUTAN*

Seeing this I decided to do a little research, first I looked on Wikipedia for Pythia, after initial Greek myth based page I got to the band. Now despite the ignorant admins saying magazine reviews are not acceptable evidence of receiving reviews from said magazines (WHA?) the page still exists. I've since looked it up on google, "Pythia band" gives me 37,200 results "PRESS PLAY ON TAPE band" gives me 271,000 results. Which one is more obscure there based on a basic google search.

In short, I'm confused now. What is the point of getting something together, supposedly as a source of information, if people are unable to go there as a source of information? Is it all about the size of your e-peen ("Hi I have 96 platinum trophies on Playstation, wanna bang?") or is it just a special level of anality? Due to this little incident I've gone and investigated P-POT (just noticed hilarity of abbreviation...) and actually, they're quite good. It's not what I'd normally listen to but ultimately it's fun and hearing "Monty on the Run" as a guitar solo made me smile, lots.

Thanks a lot for that Wikipedia but realistically, too obscure? When I can get a detailed biography on any minor tribal leader from some Pacific island don't remove this information. Everyone knows Wiki isn't the perfect source for information but it's a great tool to just get a quick overview on any subject. Don't restrict it just because a certain mod/admin dislikes another mod/admin/user. There's enough of that on cliquey little forums without preventing information getting out and just plain old tarnishing your name further.

20 Years in the Making

Another look back over the games of yesteryear this time following a long standing victory which as the title suggests has been 20 years in the making. Batman the movie was out in 1989 across a range of computers, slightly different on the various systems probably the best of which was the Amiga version but never had this one in the day (by the time the Amiga came in it was all strategy epicness for ours) but in a boredom day I've hunted out the C64 game and FINALLY knocked the Joker from the top of Gotham cathedral (no spoilers surely, you'll have seen the film if you're ever going to by now!).


Why the heck did I decide to do this? Boredom, but a lot of the time it's the older games that can keep you coming back. I enjoy more recent ones of course, I'm a self professed nerd and am more than happy with just playing games, but some times the older ones just get across a feel. Batman : Arkham Asylum was one of my favourites last year and captured Batman perfectly but the old C64 game? Did exactly what a film cash in should do it captured the spirit of the film and followed the plot well.

Start off on foot fighting off cops and gangsters through AXIS chemical plant before knocking Jack Napier to his demise. Sadly Jack becomes the Joker and he's raided an art gallery where Bruces bit of skirt (has to be one in a Batman movie for some reason...) was so now you need to drive her to safety at the batcave (see above screenshot). Once there we need to find out the chemical forumla of "Smilex" which is a basic concentration type game. Once the formula is solved we must stop the Jokers gas balloons from seeping out into the atmosphere in the batwing before a big final confrontation. 5 levels in three different styles and all following the story.

This just made it a fun game, you don't have powerful weaponry particularly or loads of fancy gadgets it's pure A-->B even if the method of transport is different. The beauty is, in playing this now it shows that wasn't just nostalgia that puts it in high esteem, some games leave you unfulfilled going back (no tai prossie reference Lanky...) like the hilariously easy and weak Donalds Playground kidfest mentioned earlier (also played today!) but this didn't. I still enjoyed it, I still hated trying to avoid the spikes up my jacksie in the cathedral and judging the timing as I accidentally release more gas into the streets of Gotham and though I'd never done it before I got sense of achievement when I finally completed the game. Will I play it again though now? Not in the near future but one day when boredom sinks in, on a wet evening, I'm sure I'll be back in the tights playing one of the few movie tie-ins that still works.

Concerning Anticipation

Like most blog entries in late July --> end of August this is going to be a little bit about football. Some people would call it "The Beautiful Game" but frankly, that's a load of bunkum really isn't it? Every Summer we follow the transfer sagas and get built up in the hope that this could be OUR year. Just for complete and utter agony to strike us before the first half a dozen games are over.

Take me for example, after years of going to follow Spurs home and away and seeing us in the "lesser" European competition for so long, for which my ribs still hurt occasionally following the over zealous Kaiserslautern policeman (2-1 loss on aggregate, were winning 1-0 after 90 minutes of the second leg, wankers, November 1999) I finally get my chance to see Spurs in the Champions League (last entry 1961/62 a little before my time, Kate may remember it).

Well what an anti-climax, at the expense of sounding like a Tai prostitute servicing a 16 year old virgin it all becomes a let down and is totally unfulfilling. Now, it's not bad the losing as we all go through that and frankly I don't expect Spurs to win the thing but when you're 3-0 down inside half hour against a team who aren't even playing well questions start to be asked. While I always had confidence we'll get out of jail and losing 3-2 away isn't a disaster as it'll be a "Glory, Glory night" at the Lane for the second leg it reminded me of the torture we deliberately put ourselves into.

While this is just one mans suffering relating to one club we know it's no different for others. Wigan come out on day one to get slaughtered at home by newly promoted relegation favourites Blackpool (next up Chelsea away!), West Ham get thrashed in the claret and blue derby against Villa. Sheffield United and Bristol City are without managers. It's the same old story and we all subject ourselves to it every year! We know the fans of these teams will turn out in droves and write opinion pieces on "Why our manager MUST go!" and "Paul Scholes is the greatest footballer OF ALL TIME!" and rant to anyone who may be within range about why they're wrong.

The reality is though, this is why we do it. Where would the fun be without sitting there on a Saturday afternoon, in the stands or in front of "Soccer Saturday" and following our teams fortunes. I know that's not going to be the last awful Spurs performance this year and I fear what'd happen if we were like that against Man Yoo or THEM but I'll sit there every week non-the-less. We love football for the highs and - for most fans - the lows but that won't stop us. Looking forward to yet another agonising season and lor' knows everyone else is too!

Donald Ducks Playground

I admit it, starting a blog and having this as the opening topic may not be the most sensible for my reputation, but I'm going ahead with it anyway. In my normal bored state I was browsing forums and saw someone fighting their corner that "Nintendo invented the mini game genre" which led me to this gem from my childhood on the old C64.

Like all games, this has a plot and like most from the era it's dead simple. Donald Duck as a miserable bugger is trying to work four jobs to make enough money to buy various items for his nephews and put on a playground for them to play to their hearts content. I think this was a bribe to stop them telling social services about his foul mouthed tirades (including racial abuse according to comments made in '88s "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" towards Daffy Duck...) and his refusal to wear something on the lower half of his body. Either way old school developer "US Gold" put together this game of challenges.

The four jobs are basic mini games. The Greengrocers, which saw you sorting stock coming off the back of a delivery, it's thrown at you in a particularly cavalier fashion so I just used to let it fall on the floor most of the time. The Toy Store which involved stacking the shelves, or matching the toy with the same colour and shape on the shelf. Airport baggage handler which meant putting cases in the right place so they don't miss the flights and finally "railroad controller" which meant changing the switches of the lines to help a train get from A --> B. Then exchanging your hard earned cash for swings ladders and so on. After your purchases you get to watch a little blackmailer go and play on a couple of the bits before buggering off for more extortion.

Ultimately though I have fond memories of it and isn't that what a computer game is about? It's simple and fun (or at least was, must hunt it out some time just for old times sake) and supposedly educational though learning the abbreviation L.A.X did nothing for me, it's just a song by "the attractive one from S Club" isn't it?

Right enough on the nursery games, next time I rant about how flipping hard it was to find your way around Greendale in the Postman Pat game for the speccy...